April 2013
1 post
25 days and I am done with school. Done. Finally. Forever? I’m not sure.
But I am excited.. because, well, this has been the primary source of my stress and distress over the past few months (and even years). I can see the finish line; however, I have already put in the towel. I am done in my mind. I am barely doing any work and routinely not showing up to class. That’s a big chunk of...
March 2013
4 posts
Almost..done..
I don’t know what it is. I have no desire or motivation to do anything, really. School is going. Term papers and midterms are due, and well, I’m just sitting at home preoccupied with the constant worry that has terminated my functionality. My mother is almost out of work, and so is my father. I am suppose to be the one who “makes it”, the one who “helps”,...
The Lazy Yogi: March Mala Giveaway →
lazyyogi:
For the Lazy Yogi March giveaway, I will be offering a green opal and rosewood wrist mala. Click here for more pictures.
I was informed that this wrist mala is the best selling product on the Japa Mala Beads site—and I can see why. Each opal bead has its own unique marble-esque pattern comprised of earthy greens and wooded browns. If this mala were a place, it would be a lush dark...
Defeatism and Strength
I am overwhelmed. Pressured. Confused. Lost, in a city of millions and a world of billions.
Am I lazy? Am I not strong enough? Did I just give up? I think so.
The Lazy Yogi: The Lazy Yogi: March Mala Giveaway →
lazyyogi:
For the Lazy Yogi March giveaway, I will be offering a green opal and rosewood wrist mala. Click here for more pictures.
I was informed that this wrist mala is the best selling product on the Japa Mala Beads site—and I can see why. Each opal bead has its own unique marble-esque pattern…
February 2013
7 posts
Hole, The Hole, The Hole
I’m back in it. As usual I find my way back like a salmon to its birth place (salmon are such fascinating creatures). I’m baccccck. I can’t help but contemplate suicide. I want to die, sure. I don’t have it in to actually carry it forth — which is why I can only hope for a terminating illness that has me only living so much longer. I really don’t care to live, I...
bottttooom
of the bottom. of the bottom. of the bottom. of the bottom. of the bottom.
cant believe i have a gf who puts up with this bs
I used to always fantasize about my “ideal self”. It was a bit ridiculous. Ok, a lot ridiculous. But it was something - and still is - that I truly always wanted to grasp and always missed.
sip the warm fresh coffee
it’s from africa, my favorite
i open the paper, legs crossed
i can see the early morning through the backyard door
george is out in the brisk morning of san...
you
i like you.
sort of.
you aren’t too bad, and you’re someone who possess the qualities i want
and i can see underneath, the warmth you have
but we both know it’s not going to last
let us give each other a push on the swings of our journeys,
our journeys of finding the crack and gap of dysfunction that shines through
let us find what we are looking for
but let us push each...
understanding
i never ask for much
actually, i never ask
i never talk, nor do i ever rape your ears with my trivial day-to-days
i never go on about the interaction i had with the cashier,
or the ridiculous man yelling at a baby,
no, i don’t
but when i do speak up, it’s because i have nothing left to do
my thoughts spill out of my mind and into my mouth and
i have nothing left to do
but to...
when you’re sick, but have no prognosis
other than the one thing that keeps you free
death is nice,
and i call upon it in my prayers
for this can’t be all there is to be
i drink my coffee, to feel my heart beat
i drink my whiskey, to damage something other than me
i gnaw my teeth hard in hopes my mind lives somewhere in between
i want to squander it,
leave it,
exile it,
no
untitled
when you’re sick, but have no prognosis
other than the one thing that keeps you free
death is nice,
and i call upon it in my prayers
for this can’t be all there is to be
i drink my coffee, to feel my heart beat
i drink my whiskey, to damage something other than me
i gnaw my teeth hard in hopes my mind lives somewhere in between
i want to squander it,
leave it,
exile it,
no
mission statement ref
You now have the beginning of a mission statement built on a foundation of your values. You have more clarity into you want to be and to do in your life. You can also start to detect the values and principles upon which your life is based.
You can continue to write and revise your mission statement until you feel it reflects what you live for. You could also try going through the Freewrite...
January 2013
6 posts
Evidence!
Evidence of being pretty, decently, content with life. Future sad self, refer to this.
Relationship with L is great. It’s way better than when I’m sad and stressed and anxiety-filled. Like really good. I really really like her.
I don’t feel like I’m under a social microscope as much. It’s alot better. Of course, my social skills need some tuning as I haven’t...
7 habits of highly effective people
Boy, do I want to be highly effective! Let me eat these 7 habits right up.
I’m going back to school in about two weeks. Frightening. Especially coming from a semester off, and then being totally “not there” for the previous semester, and taking the semester off before that. So I’ve pretty much been out of school for a year and a half — even though I completed one...
just a number
Like age, the year is just a number to me; though, with age and year, comes a wide array of experiences. I’m not too big on the new years. It’s just another excuse for the masses to get a false sense of optimism. It helps us look forward to things; it helps us bring meaning into our lives and our worlds; it’s just another celebration, another festival just like the Greeks and the...
December 2012
1 post
OH lyfe OH lyfe
So, online girl turned into real life girl turned into additional stress and misery.
I like her. I like her a lot. But I might not be physically attracted to her…
Wait, shouldn’t I know? I guess.. however, I don’t know.
She was the soulmate I never had. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. Then we spent three nights together. alone. we both live with our families, and...
November 2012
3 posts
Musings by Samsaran: Ten Tips for a Successful... →
samsaranmusing:
1. To the best of your ability meditate at regular times in the cool of the morning or the quiet of the night. This way your family or roommates will come to know your meditation times and perhaps be respectful of this time.
2. Have a designated meditation spot. It can be a corner of your room….
Such an odd week
Really really really odd weak.
Lots of anger re-entering my mind and body.
Stress. Stress. Stress. For what? I’m suppose to be stress-free, that’s why I did what I did.
My body feeling weak and anxious.
I feel like I’m getting sick, too. Surprise?
Feeling like I’m losing control of things.
I went on an all-out binge yesterday, first time in over a year. It was...
4 tags
Sorry MLK but I had a dream too...
I was wandering around the ghetto and was possibly hopping in and out of train stations. I’m sure something else was happening but a taxi pulls up and I get in and there a chick in the cab already. She looked familiar. I did a double-take, it was Aubrey Plaza.
“You look like Aubrey Plaza”
“That’s because I am Aubrey Plaza”
Mind=blown. We chat. We might have...
October 2012
3 posts
But life is too awesome sometimes.
Like so.
Met this girl, been hanging with her for over two weeks. She’s super chill and I’m super excited to get to know her more as our veils of barriers and identities lift up and expose our true selves (naked?).
But it might also be this awesome yogi bedtime tea.
8 tags
Eating Disorder: The Demon in the Lair
I don’t particularly know if I ever met the “criteria” of an eating disorder but it was definitely an eating disorder. I sometimes wonder if I’m succumbing to the power of my mind by acknowledging that I had/have an issue or “disorder”.
I’ve been pretty well these past few months. I think I feel absolutely amazing when I exercise and watch what I eat...
“In most of our human relationships, we spend much of our time reassuring one...”
– Ram dass (via lazyyogi)
August 2012
2 posts
“As an atheist, I see nothing “wrong” in believing in a God. I don’t think there...”
– Ricky Gervais: “Why I’m an Atheist” (via sleeper1992)
Rob Delaney: On Depression & Getting Help →
This was originally posted February 26, 2010.
I deal with suicidal, unipolar depression and I take medication daily to treat it. Over the past seven years, I’ve had two episodes that were severe and during which I thought almost exclusively of suicide. I did not eat much and lost weight during…
July 2012
17 posts
Just typing away
It was a decent week. Probably because I got myself to be somewhat productive and adhere to a schedule. Only lasted a few days. After that it just went down hill as it usually does when I hit a wall. I don’t think I’ll be able to rest until I finish these papers I owe. I have battled with this for over a year and am not even certain the professor will accept it at this point but as I...
“It’s not that I can’t fall in love. It’s really that I can’t help falling in...”
– Jack Kerouac (via staysunshine)
Nostalgia, School edition
I’m back on campus in hopes of getting some work done and escaping the prisons of my four walls and all these memories start flowing back.
Freshmen year. Oh, man. That was such an interesting year. We’re thrown into college from high school… not sure what to expect. And best part of all, we’re not alone. Everyone is just scared and excited. These buildings, professors,...
To future or not to future
The future is obviously on my mind as I’m stuck waiting at the crossroads of life — a stage, if you will. As participating members of modern-day society, we are expected to reach and accomplish these stages. Here I am. I’m in my 20’s. And I’m “suppose” to know what I want to do with my future.
I don’t really know what to make of these stages and...
9 tags
Insecurities and such
So insecure. On the inside I am curled up and shivering.
Also, romantics and modern-day “love” and relationships is all such a fucking mess. The emotions and feelings that clash with my insecurities and indecisiveness. I cringe. Why do I get myself in this mess? Kinda wishing I was an oblivious jerk who rides the waves of chaos and pain.
3 tags
Must record this.
Feeling a lot better than the past week. I might have forgotten to take my 5-HTP, I don’t know if that’s the reason why. I doubt it has an immediate effect like that.
Must. Record. I can breathe. It’s smells pretty good. Fresh. Light.
Thoughts seem rational. Almost.
2 tags
This is hard.
When you realize
you’ll probably never amount to anything in this materialistic, ego-driven society.
Also
doesn’t help that my foot is broken and I am locked up in my four walls, and immobile.
10 tags
The Cycles
I’ve been kinda monitoring my days and subsequent moods and have been noticing a pattern of 3-4 days of deep depression and then a tiny crack in the window in which light is shone for a day or two. There’s nothing I can do. I’ve been able to prolong episodes with my sadhana which unfortunately eventually drowns amidst the darkness. It’s hard practicing meditation when...
6 tags
10 tags
Anti-depressants
I’m thinking of giving them another try. About a year ago, I put aside my personal opinions and caved into the big Pharma. I had broken down. I needed something, it didn’t matter anymore. After about 2-3 months, I went cold turkey. Worst. Decision. Ever. Maybe right after starting to take anti-depressants. It was terrible.
But here I am today. Realizing I have never been happy;...
3 tags
Unstructured, Uneasy
I have no structure in my days. It makes me uneasy. I don’t know what to do, nor do I know what I want to do. Sigh.
June 2012
17 posts
6 tags
Happiness: I just don't get it
I don’t get it. Every time I’m feeling some surge of content with life and my existence, I can’t help but feel fake.
Socializing; talking to people; making friends; smiling at people; looking at people
Every time I see anyone converse I can’t help but look past it and see how fake and uneasy people really are. Are they trying as hard as I do? Or is that really how they...
6 tags
Cycle it up
Maybe I just don’t know how to use this tool we called ‘our minds’?
But really: I want to participate in society and go to school, do well, do something I love, make a difference…..
…. however, then I start to think: does it really matter what I do? isn’t everything meaningless? how do I even know I want to do this or that?
And then I’m stuck.
9 tags
The Intellectual Fear
So basically I’m upset that I’m not good enough; I’m not smart enough; I don’t know enough about this or that topic; I won’t be able to do A, B, and C.
I’m upset that at this very moment I am not what I want to be.
And the only way to reach that moment is to try - but I feel scared and hopeless.
9 tags
Any mentors out there?
Would love some life coaching.
I feel so bleak and dull and lifeless. I don’t know how to live. Please guide me, future mentor.
8 tags
Has my friend gone bonkers?
My amigo had a rough year as his dear sister passed away and I can not even imagine what that is like. I am also sure there is also stress that comes from his education and work and family and well, every day existence. But he has secluded himself from everyone around him for quite some time and it wasn’t until a few months later had he told us his sister had passed.
But anyways, he has...
7 tags
I wish there was a therapist listening to my...
and advise me accordingly.
does this ever stop?
