Just typing away
It was a decent week. Probably because I got myself to be somewhat productive and adhere to a schedule. Only lasted a few days. After that it just went down hill as it usually does when I hit a wall. I don’t think I’ll be able to rest until I finish these papers I owe. I have battled with this for over a year and am not even certain the professor will accept it at this point but as I...
It’s not that I can’t fall in love. It’s really that I can’t help falling in...– Jack Kerouac (via staysunshine)
Nostalgia, School edition
I’m back on campus in hopes of getting some work done and escaping the prisons of my four walls and all these memories start flowing back. Freshmen year. Oh, man. That was such an interesting year. We’re thrown into college from high school… not sure what to expect. And best part of all, we’re not alone. Everyone is just scared and excited. These buildings, professors,...
To future or not to future
The future is obviously on my mind as I’m stuck waiting at the crossroads of life — a stage, if you will. As participating members of modern-day society, we are expected to reach and accomplish these stages. Here I am. I’m in my 20’s. And I’m “suppose” to know what I want to do with my future. I don’t really know what to make of these stages and...
Insecurities and such
So insecure. On the inside I am curled up and shivering. Also, romantics and modern-day “love” and relationships is all such a fucking mess. The emotions and feelings that clash with my insecurities and indecisiveness. I cringe. Why do I get myself in this mess? Kinda wishing I was an oblivious jerk who rides the waves of chaos and pain.
Must record this.
Feeling a lot better than the past week. I might have forgotten to take my 5-HTP, I don’t know if that’s the reason why. I doubt it has an immediate effect like that. Must. Record. I can breathe. It’s smells pretty good. Fresh. Light. Thoughts seem rational. Almost.
This is hard.
When you realize
you’ll probably never amount to anything in this materialistic, ego-driven society.
doesn’t help that my foot is broken and I am locked up in my four walls, and immobile.
I’ve been kinda monitoring my days and subsequent moods and have been noticing a pattern of 3-4 days of deep depression and then a tiny crack in the window in which light is shone for a day or two. There’s nothing I can do. I’ve been able to prolong episodes with my sadhana which unfortunately eventually drowns amidst the darkness. It’s hard practicing meditation when...
I’m thinking of giving them another try. About a year ago, I put aside my personal opinions and caved into the big Pharma. I had broken down. I needed something, it didn’t matter anymore. After about 2-3 months, I went cold turkey. Worst. Decision. Ever. Maybe right after starting to take anti-depressants. It was terrible. But here I am today. Realizing I have never been happy;...
I have no structure in my days. It makes me uneasy. I don’t know what to do, nor do I know what I want to do. Sigh.