mah life.

25 days and I am done with school. Done. Finally. Forever? I’m not sure. But I am excited.....

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 10:48:49 -0400

25 days and I am done with school. Done. Finally. Forever? I’m not sure.

But I am excited.. because, well, this has been the primary source of my stress and distress over the past few months (and even years). I can see the finish line; however, I have already put in the towel. I am done in my mind. I am barely doing any work and routinely not showing up to class. That’s a big chunk of my grades. The old me would never think of doing this. And I think the main difference is hope and desire. Right now I am slightly hopeless and desireless. I have no motivation to do well in school, do write these papers, to show up and be present in my classes. I have almost no motivation to do so, there is absolutely no purpose. Perhaps there is a benefit in doing well, but I don’t see any real meaning. Of course there isn’t a real meaning to doing well, but you can definitely find some meaning and make it meaningful for you. I personally don’t have any goals at the moment, or atleast no goals that translate into being a productive member in society that helps spin the wheels of the machine. The only thing that keeps the tiny flame burning is the fact that I want to be able to make my girlfriend happy. And I’m making an assumption that I can only make my girlfriend happy if I am productive in this society and work hard and obtain some sort of financial security. Which is possibly true. I love this girl. But I don’t want to play that game. I don’t want to play this game that is there for everyone to play. This is a SIMS game, no? I have no desire to play. I’m slightly tired, burned out, and directionless. It’s difficult to have no direction or purpose in life. Viktor Frankl touched on this and concluded that much of our distress comes from this purpose-less life. How do I find that purpose though? Especially amidst all my self-deprecation, self-hate, self-consciousness, and any other self-i-hate-my-life. The medication is helping. I think much of my distress is a lot more contextual instead of it being contextual and internal.

I’m so clueless and lost. I need some direction………

Almost..done..

Mon, 18 Mar 2013 22:21:56 -0400

I don’t know what it is. I have no desire or motivation to do anything, really. School is going. Term papers and midterms are due, and well, I’m just sitting at home preoccupied with the constant worry that has terminated my functionality. My mother is almost out of work, and so is my father. I am suppose to be the one who “makes it”, the one who “helps”, constitutes “success.”

And here comes me… can’t find the motivation to go to school, sad, miserable, unable to adequately socialize and network, no hope, no desire, no goals.

waiting for my girlfriend to realize how much of a downer and loser i am… or maybe i should just break it off before anything can actually happen—i’d like that. i wont have any need to care as much as i do about being present and active in this world

The Lazy Yogi: March Mala Giveaway

Fri, 15 Mar 2013 12:49:36 -0400

The Lazy Yogi: March Mala Giveaway:

lazyyogi:

For the Lazy Yogi March giveaway, I will be offering a green opal and rosewood wrist mala. Click here for more pictures.

I was informed that this wrist mala is the best selling product on the Japa Mala Beads site—and I can see why. Each opal bead has its own unique marble-esque pattern comprised of earthy greens and wooded browns. If this mala were a place, it would be a lush dark forest.

As it is winter here in the North Eastern US, this mala feels like the promise of spring and summer. Something about it reminds me of dwelling in nature without the harsh bite of cold winds and frost hardened ground. And while I love having this mala around, I’m excited to send it off to a new owner.

The description on theJapa Mala Beads sitereads:

“Green Opal is a healing and rejuvenating gemstone that is known to strengthen the immune system, aid relationships, and soothe emotions.

Rosewood (Red Sandalwood) is used to call upon Ganesha “the remover of obstacles” as well as the Divine Mother. Rosewood also is warming, improves circulation and protects one from negative energy.”

Wearing wrist malas are a wonderful way of remembering to be mindful as we go about our day. The touch of the beads on our skin is a helpful wakeup call to get out of our head and into the moment.

To enter the contest:

Reblog this post as many times as you would like between now and the end of the month. A winner will be picked at random on April 1^st(No fooling, I promise!).

Namaste and good luck!

Defeatism and Strength

Mon, 11 Mar 2013 22:20:57 -0400

I am overwhelmed. Pressured. Confused. Lost, in a city of millions and a world of billions.

Am I lazy? Am I not strong enough? Did I just give up? I think so.

The Lazy Yogi: The Lazy Yogi: March Mala Giveaway

Mon, 04 Mar 2013 19:41:18 -0500

The Lazy Yogi: The Lazy Yogi: March Mala Giveaway:

lazyyogi:

For the Lazy Yogi March giveaway, I will be offering a green opal and rosewood wrist mala. Click here for more pictures.

I was informed that this wrist mala is the best selling product on the Japa Mala Beads site—and I can see why. Each opal bead has its own unique marble-esque pattern…

Hole, The Hole, The Hole

Sat, 23 Feb 2013 22:14:14 -0500

I’m back in it. As usual I find my way back like a salmon to its birth place (salmon are such fascinating creatures). I’m baccccck. I can’t help but contemplate suicide. I want to die, sure. I don’t have it in to actually carry it forth — which is why I can only hope for a terminating illness that has me only living so much longer. I really don’t care to live, I can’t. What’s the point? I can’t go on with anything because I just revert back to the thought of death and how either I will kill myself or I will eventually die. What is the point? I don’t know how people have such strong desires to make this a better world for future generations, or to any one, really. I don’t care. I can’t even take care of myself. I feel bad. I feel bad for my family. I hope they aren’t too disappointed in me. Wouldn’t it be nice for them to have had a strong, focused son instead of me? Someone who would make them feel proud. Me? I haven’t done anything. I am a parasite. No job. No real “marketable” skills. And no real skills, either. I don’t have any achievements. I have long lost the desire to be smarter and obtain knowledge. I wasted my younger years playing video games and being a damn punk. I was mean to people, a lot of people. I deserve this, I think. I’m a terrible person. I’m nicer now, I think I’m a lot kinder and understanding. But I wasn’t in the past. I still have anger in me. I was such an angry child, I feel bad for my parents. I’m quiet, a mute, socially anxious and awkward. I want to leave this all behind. What does it matter? The world doesn’t exist after death. Why should I care about what my family and friends would think of my death? They wouldn’t exist. I am dead.

I am dead, already. A veggie, indeed. Parasitic.

bottttooom

Thu, 21 Feb 2013 17:09:32 -0500

of the bottom. of the bottom. of the bottom. of the bottom. of the bottom.

cant believe i have a gf who puts up with this bs

I used to always fantasize about my “ideal self”. It was a bit ridiculous. Ok, a lot...

Sun, 10 Feb 2013 11:00:04 -0500

I used to always fantasize about my “ideal self”. It was a bit ridiculous. Ok, a lot ridiculous. But it was something - and still is - that I truly always wanted to grasp and always missed.

sip the warm fresh coffee

it’s from africa, my favorite

i open the paper, legs crossed

i can see the early morning through the backyard door

george is out in the brisk morning of san francisco

chasing a bird

he stops and stares

i put my porcelain cup back on the wooden oak

i read my paper

legs are not crossed anymore

i look across at my wife

i smile and sip my coffee

it’s cold now, my favorite

it’s sunday

we call george back in

we gather our things and take george to the park

i didn’t finish my coffee, but it’s all right

i’ll drink it later

you

Thu, 07 Feb 2013 14:10:56 -0500

i like you.

sort of.

you aren’t too bad, and you’re someone who possess the qualities i want

and i can see underneath, the warmth you have

but we both know it’s not going to last

let us give each other a push on the swings of our journeys,

our journeys of finding the crack and gap of dysfunction that shines through

let us find what we are looking for

but let us push each other first

understanding

Thu, 07 Feb 2013 14:05:00 -0500

i never ask for much

actually, i never ask

i never talk, nor do i ever rape your ears with my trivial day-to-days

i never go on about the interaction i had with the cashier,

or the ridiculous man yelling at a baby,

no, i don’t

but when i do speak up, it’s because i have nothing left to do

my thoughts spill out of my mind and into my mouth and

i have nothing left to do

but to talk to you,

to tell you, amidst my incoherence, what bounces off the walls in the room upstairs

all i ask for are your eyes,

your presence,

your ears,

your heart,

just listen, please, because it’s all you can ever do

you don’t have to understand,

but please, i ask, become an actor,

for all you can ever do is understand

when you’re sick, but have no prognosis other than the one thing that keeps you free death is...

Tue, 05 Feb 2013 23:18:16 -0500

when you’re sick, but have no prognosis

other than the one thing that keeps you free

death is nice,

and i call upon it in my prayers

for this can’t be all there is to be

i drink my coffee, to feel my heart beat

i drink my whiskey, to damage something other than me

i gnaw my teeth hard in hopes my mind lives somewhere in between

i want to squander it,

leave it,

exile it,

untitled

Tue, 05 Feb 2013 23:14:11 -0500

when you’re sick, but have no prognosis

other than the one thing that keeps you free

death is nice,

and i call upon it in my prayers

for this can’t be all there is to be

i drink my coffee, to feel my heart beat

i drink my whiskey, to damage something other than me

i gnaw my teeth hard in hopes my mind lives somewhere in between

i want to squander it,

leave it,

exile it,

mission statement ref

Thu, 31 Jan 2013 23:27:10 -0500

You now have the beginning of a mission statement built on a foundation of your values. You have more clarity into you want to be and to do in your life. You can also start to detect the values and principles upon which your life is based.

You can continue to write and revise your mission statement until you feel it reflects what you live for. You could also try going through the Freewrite section of this site to help you refine your mission and values, or you could visit the Get Inspired section for more ideas.

I am at my best when don’t live in my head, focus more on actions, and trusting myself in assessments and analysis, am not crippled by anxiety or depression, engage socially, am empathetic to those around me, am involved in something that is greater and beyond me.
I will try to prevent times when i sit and well about the shortcoming of my life, isolating myself from the world and others, don’t exercise or eat well, don’t value my words and don’t follow up with said actions, don’t progress intellectually, don’t have a purpose, when i’m self-absorbed.
I will enjoy my work by finding employment where I can although i don’t work: i would love to impact people that are in need or calling for help, i would love to interact with people on a personal and spiritual level that will empower their lives in ways that would otherwise be overwhelming, difficult, or impossible. for school: i love to gain as much knowledge as possible, be active, be engaging, be consistent and proactive .
I will find enjoyment in my personal life through help people, listen to people, be consciously healthy in forms of exercise and nutrition, read, do yoga, indulge in superficial things such as quality food and coffee and occasional clothing, be as loving as possible, be open to love, feel liberated .
I will find opportunities to use my natural talents and gifts such as listening, being understanding, thinking, being sad.
I can do anything I set my mind to. I will make people happy.
My life’s journey is to change the world, or at least the people around me as much as they let me, i would be educating people some way or another. it would be for myself, for my family, for my friends, for humanity. maybe i would be doing it for power or recognition but i would like to think that i’m doing it because that’s what i find enriching and worthwhile in this lifetime. the results would be me doing my absolute best, helping as many people as i could, coming out satisfied by not quite because there would still be work to do.
I will be a person who He was/is one of the most caring, humble, kindest, and funniest people that have entered my life. I thank him for his undying passion and compassion for humanity and others. Thank you for all you have done and accomplished for this world and yourself. .
My most important future contribution to others will be Being there. With an ear, and a heart. .

I will stop procrastinating and start working on:

My deep involvement in myself and my miseries and shortcomings.
Not worry about how others see me, and just be myself — quiet or not; brash or not; saying and doing whatever I want without feeling bad
Do what I’ll say I do and not be lazy or procrastinate.

I will strive to incorporate the following attributes into my life:

so knowledgable and seemingly liberated
funniest man ever
real

I will constantly renew myself by focusing on the four dimensions of my life:

exercise consistently without worrying too much about it, and eating well which means not being obsessed and eating primarily a vegetarian diet
meditate more, attend spiritual groups like sangha’s and teachings, read eastern spiritual texts and scriptures
don’t worry because everything is gonna be all right
be open with my heart and mind, go past my comfort zone

Evidence!

Sun, 13 Jan 2013 14:09:04 -0500

Evidence of being pretty, decently, content with life. Future sad self, refer to this.

Relationship with L is great. It’s way better than when I’m sad and stressed and anxiety-filled. Like really good. I really really like her.

I don’t feel like I’m under a social microscope as much. It’s alot better. Of course, my social skills need some tuning as I haven’t been flexing them much.

SPEAK MORE CLEARLY. think about what you want to say before you say it! CLEARLY.

Confidence is amazing. Be confident in your words and it will go according to plan. Don’t be confident and it will go to poo. I’ve noticed throughout my ears of cracking jokes is that when you are in a state of perpetual laughter with others, and everything that is said is HILARIOUS - confidence is so important. You can say something, with total confidence, and it will be so funny and others will laugh. Of course this won’t always go to plan as something is just plain ‘not funny’. But the moment you have a sense of doubt, BAM.. that joke of that joking being funny and being laughed at is probably lowered by 70%.

So the moral is: be confident in your speech and interactions with other people, for confidence can only help. It’s not a sure shot to success but your chances of it working out are A LOT better than saying it without confidence.

mentalalchemy: urhajos: Rebecca Mock One of my favorite...

Thu, 10 Jan 2013 10:54:18 -0500

mentalalchemy:

urhajos:

Rebecca Mock

One of my favorite gifs.

7 habits of highly effective people

Thu, 10 Jan 2013 10:50:12 -0500

Boy, do I want to be highly effective! Let me eat these 7 habits right up.

I’m going back to school in about two weeks. Frightening. Especially coming from a semester off, and then being totally “not there” for the previous semester, and taking the semester off before that. So I’ve pretty much been out of school for a year and a half — even though I completed one semester, somehow. But here I am moving head-on to tackle my last semester. It’s going to be a difficult one. And I’m trying to find the motivation to move forward because I don’t want to get stuck pondering the question “…but why am I really doing this?” That’s deadly. Asking any “why?” can lead to a catatonic state.

But I apply Viktor Frankl’s logothereapy: the fact that finding a meaning and purpose in one’s life is one of the most important driving forces in human nature, and much of our distress can stem from this very notion of confusion or lack of awareness.

Whenever I have some small sense of meaning or purpose like going back to school to achieve x or y, I get empowered. I find a purpose to move and act.

But going back to the 7 habits. I want to work out an exercise. I’m suppose to write out a mission statement, but I’m not sure what or how to write it.

I am at my best when don’t live in my head, focus more on actions, and trusting myself in assessments and analysis, am not crippled by anxiety or depression, engage socially, am empathetic to those around me, am involved in something that is greater and beyond me.
I will try to prevent times when i sit and dwell about the shortcoming of my life, isolating myself from the world and others, don’t exercise or eat well, don’t value my words and don’t follow up with said actions, don’t progress intellectually, don’t have a purpose, when i’m self-absorbed.
I will enjoy my work by finding employment where I can although i don’t work: i would love to impact people that are in need or calling for help, i would love to interact with people on a personal and spiritual level that will empower their lives in ways that would otherwise be overwhelming, difficult, or impossible. for school: i love to gain as much knowledge as possible, be active, be engaging, be consistent and proactive .
I will find enjoyment in my personal life through help people, listen to people, be consciously healthy in forms of exercise and nutrition, read, do yoga, indulge in superficial things such as quality food and coffee and occasional clothing, be as loving as possible, be open to love, feel liberated .
I will find opportunities to use my natural talents and gifts such as listening, being understanding, thinking, being sad.
I can do anything I set my mind to. I will make people happy.
My life’s journey is to change the world, or at least the people around me as much as they let me, i would be educating people some way or another. it would be for myself, for my family, for my friends, for humanity. maybe i would be doing it for power or recognition but i would like to think that i’m doing it because that’s what i find enriching and worthwhile in this lifetime. the results would be me doing my absolute best, helping as many people as i could, coming out satisfied but not quite because there would still be work to do.
I will be a person who He was/is one of the most caring, humble, kindest, and funniest people that have entered my life. I thank him for his undying passion and compassion for humanity and others. Thank you for all you have done and accomplished for this world and yourself. .
My most important future contribution to others will be Being there. With an ear, and a heart. .

I will stop procrastinating and start working on:

My deep involvement in myself and my miseries and shortcomings.

Not worry about how others see me, and just be myself — quiet or not; brash or not; saying and doing whatever I want without feeling bad

Do what I’ll say I do and not be lazy or procrastinate.

I will strive to incorporate the following attributes into my life:

so knowledgable and seemingly liberated

funniest man ever

real

I will constantly renew myself by focusing on the four dimensions of my life:

exercise consistently without worrying too much about it, and eating well which means not being obsessed and eating primarily a vegetarian diet

meditate more, attend spiritual groups like sangha’s and teachings, read eastern spiritual texts and scriptures

don’t worry because everything is gonna be all right

be open with my heart and mind, go past my comfort zone

just a number

Thu, 03 Jan 2013 21:40:09 -0500

Like age, the year is just a number to me; though, with age and year, comes a wide array of experiences. I’m not too big on the new years. It’s just another excuse for the masses to get a false sense of optimism. It helps us look forward to things; it helps us bring meaning into our lives and our worlds; it’s just another celebration, another festival just like the Greeks and the Romans and the Turks held for their Gods and leaders. Festivals bring people together. I guess it’s nice to divert your attention for just one night and a few additional days.

I look back at every year that has gone and mark it under “now THAT was the most difficult one yet!” - and it was. Every year is the most difficult one yet, just like every piss you need to take is the biggest piss of your life. I don’t know how long I can tally these years, or these days. I’m tired and frustrated. How much longer? Probably not much. It hurts to think about it, and it’s certainly difficult to muster up any optimism when you know how thin the line is. I wait. I wait. I wait.

Photo

Wed, 02 Jan 2013 19:23:39 -0500

OH lyfe OH lyfe

Tue, 04 Dec 2012 08:56:49 -0500

So, online girl turned into real life girl turned into additional stress and misery.

I like her. I like her a lot. But I might not be physically attracted to her…

Wait, shouldn’t I know? I guess.. however, I don’t know.

She was the soulmate I never had. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. Then we spent three nights together. alone. we both live with our families, and don’t bring each other home, so there is no real “alone time”. and so, we have these three nights together and instead of enjoying her company, i worry about having sex and what and where and how. like usual, i don’t particularly care too much about advancing sexually, nor do I really pursue it. ever. maybe i am shy— okay i am shy but i also don’t care all that much.

so, night one. we try. i try. nothing happens because lil me isn’t having it. he’s not feeling it. he doesn’t want it. the pressure, the performance anxiety, the stress from life and the depression aren’t good mixers either. whatever. it happens. i was also drunk. next time.

second night. hahaha. no way dude. not happening again. i’m going to embarrass you and bring your self esteem down to negative a thousand. OK. damn. what can i do?

third night. didn’t even try. no desire. no sexual desire. who cares, right?

well. i care. she probably cares. atleast a bit.

things start to get to my head. i start telling everyone about this and asking for advice on what to do. i get natural herbal supplements to take to boost/balance my hormones. i start planning to hit the gym to lift some weights. i think and talk about it more and more and more and more. i’m infiltrated. i’m officially in my head.

i start to really question my attraction towards her. this never really happened to this extent. so i question and convince myself that i’m not “man” enough, or I’m gay now, or I’m just simply not physically attracted to her.

Which could be true. Do I find her sexy? Yeah, sorta. With clothes on, for sure. Without? I don’t know. She’s tall. She’s a big girl. And chubby. Which I don’t think I have issues with but apparently I do. Apparently I enjoy women who are active and fit and care for their bodies in certain ways. I never ran after that criteria but I do notice my attraction towards that. But I like her. And it sucks to think that I may not be attracted to her because theres just no physical chemistry. Sigh. I don’t want to let her go. She’s good. She’s good to men Maybe I can get myself to be attracted to her? No? is that not how it works?

I wonder how this type of stuff works. Why is it that every person I ask, they say that if there’s none of that physical chemistry then you have to walk. Is that really how it works or is it just that this the generation of pure individualism. People, young folks, are now able to connect and meet such vast amount of counter-parts. This is probably the first time in history that this is happening. People are less into settling and more into exploring — be it women, men, geography, self. I think that’s the case. It’s not about settling, it’s about “fun”. I’m pretty sure people would work things out in the previous generations. Though I am sure that also came at a cost of possible happiness and self-expression. So with me, I really enjoy this girl. I do. Do I find other women sexy? Yes, absolutely. Also, I just got out of a draining relationship with a girl and jumped right into another one. I was hoping to partake in that self-exploration our generation is playing with. I wanted to run and find the fun and play in it. I’m really not one to do that either but I wanted to try something new. And actually I did. I did go on okcupid. And I did find a beautiful, kind, caring women who shares many interests with me.

I wish I wasn’t so depressed and closed off. Maybe I can allow her to contribute to my happiness Am I closed off? Definitely. I am unaware on how to even be open. How do I do that?

She does put a smile on my face. I usually can’t stop thinking about her. Lately, it’s been more of negative thoughts than positive since I am not sure whether or not I should break things off with her or not. I don’t want to. There’s my answer. I don’t want to. I want to make things work. But how do I make things work when physical attraction and connection is not something that is possible to just pull out of thin air. Atleast I don’t think so.

So to come to conclusion. I want to be with her. If we had already had sex, I would run away with her.

Musings by Samsaran: Ten Tips for a Successful Meditation

Wed, 21 Nov 2012 12:46:33 -0500

Musings by Samsaran: Ten Tips for a Successful Meditation:

samsaranmusing:

1. To the best of your ability meditate at regular times in the cool of the morning or the quiet of the night. This way your family or roommates will come to know your meditation times and perhaps be respectful of this time.

2. Have a designated meditation spot. It can be a corner of your room….